4 children killed in avalanche

PARENTS collecting their children from Silicon Lane Primary School were given the cold shoulder by staff yesterday (Tuesday).  For they were told that their children had been swept away in a freak avalanche.

"Iím disgusted," one parent said icily.  "What do we pay our taxes for?"

But such complaints have met with a frosty reception at the council.  "We announced last year that there would be an avalanche.  There has been plenty of time to lodge a formal complaint.  We have no time for this Ďnot in my back yardí attitude."  And local avalanche expert Ted Himalayas slammed the moaning parents yesterday: "People should always be alert to the dangers of avalanches.  Just because Bracknell has no mountains, and it is the middle of June, it is no reason to become complacent."

Cannabis plant is blooming illegal

Thousands arrested in drugs swoop

THE entire population of the Great Hollands area had a rude awakening yesterday - for they were all arrested for drugs offences.  In a dawn raid, Bracknell Police (assisted by InterPol) raided every single house in the estate.

"We had received a tip off from a member of the local Neighbourhood Watch, who had reason to believe that everyone in Great Hollands was a drug dealer," an officer confided last night.  "We take all such information seriously, and we acted at once."

However, the operation was slammed by angry residents.  "I slam this operation unreservedly," said one, angrily.  "Iím very angry," he added.

One of the arrested people was a pregnant woman.  "Iím a pregnant woman," she slammed.  "When Darren gets out heíll be fuming.  Gisí a fag."

Police were red faced this morning however.  "We only found one cannabis plant in the end - and that belonged to the woman who informed us in the first place."  He went on to apologise: "I would like to apologise to everyone for any inconvenience we may have caused - and give our condolences to the families of those whom we shot by mistake."

When asked the identity of the informer, he said it was confidential - "Though off the record, it was Doris Tanner of 55, Armpit."

Drivers see red at traffic light chaos

THE road system was thrown into chaos last weekend, as a new set of traffic lights came into operation.

The new lights are the bastard love child of the Transport Road Research Laboratory and a local artist.  "My brief was to give Bracknell a little bit of individuality," the artist said from his Crowthorne home yesterday.  "So I came up with the idea of making all the lights show the same colour at the same time."

A spokesman for the TRRL said last night "this was an important experiment, that unfortunately went a bit wrong.  However, we were filming it, and have plenty of useful footage of car accidents."  When asked what the footage would be used for, the spokesman admitted: "For our Christmas party."

Road users slammed the experiment.  "I slam this utterly," said one driver, slammingly.

Video stolen

A VIDEO recorder was stolen at the weekend.


Pensioner attacked again

MRS Doris Tanner was accosted by an angry mob as this edition went to press.  "There were about two thousand of them - they were very angry," said a spokesman for the mob.

Mrs Tanner has a 50-50 chance of being 88 next week.