Written by Kinky Moonshine
Mars in your opposite sign at the moment suggests a week for saying "to hell with it" and taking risks whenever you can. Venus is rising in Aquarius, so exercise caution wherever possible.
With Mercury in Sagittarius, you are currently in a period of terrible uncertainty. Jupiter is in your sock drawer, and this is playing havoc with your love life. So my advice is to go out and find a nice clean hooker instead.
This is not a time for dilly-dallying. Nor is it a time for shilly-shallying. Neither is it a time for willy-wallying or pilly-pallying, nor for quilly-quallying or billy-ballying. It is a time for jilly-jallying.
Watch out this week for irregular price fluctuations in the coffee market. They could be your downfall. Also, someone is after you and they absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead.
Life is wonderful at the moment. Friends seem to be supportive of everything you want to do, so go ahead and seize the initiative while you can.
Virgo has been banned.
Neptune in your house is causing mental instability and psychopathic tendencies in Librans this week. Take plenty of drugs with alcohol, and you should be okay.
A combination of Uranus in Virgo and Saturn in Peterborough suggests that now is the ideal time to buy those torture implements you've had your eye on recently. Also, why not consider declaring war on Liechtenstein and carpet-bombing Vaduz.
See Cancer.
You will go into Leaminster on Monday to meet your bank manager, but you will forget certain vital papers, which will mean you'll eventually arrive thirty minutes late. He won't be impressed and will refuse you an extension to your overdraft. If that wasn't enough, your wife will refuse to have sex with you again and you'll have to content yourself with a rapid and distinctly unsatisfying J. Arthur in the bathroom.
Not applicable this week.
The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry, and such is the case for Pisces this week as a serious accident on Tuesday will inflict terrible injuries upon you from which you will die shortly afterwards. Severe economic collapse will ensue following the sudden death of 8.3% of the world's population.