MI5 has the following simple philosophy: there is no such thing as an enemy, just a friend you haven't double-crossed yet.

Unfortunately, despite the best efforts of the our valliant Foreign Office, there are still some people in the world whose opinion of Britain is less than flattering.  It's MI5's job to ensure that these people don't get an opportunity to threaten the peace and security of our idyllic isle.

However, it is not MI5's function to take any "proactive" steps against such individuals.  We have no idea whose job that is.

The Great British Public can often be of immense assistance in our efforts to frustrate these people.  We have therefore included here a selection of people who are most certainly not on Her Majesty's Christmas card list this year.

Rupert Allason:

This man has for many years written authoratatively on the inner workings of the Security Services.  This has come as a huge surprise to MI5, as nobody here seems to have ever met the fellow.  Has produced several titles under the nom de plume of Fred West.  Former Member of Parliament for Bermuda South, and active politically until his tragic and untimely death any day now.

Ken Livingstone:

This guy just doesn't seem to get the message.  We may have to take him out - and we don't mean to the pictures.

These bastards:

And...

Shane Ritchie:

After all, we are only human.